Family Love at a Distance

Retirement....the years you waste away.

"MY MOMMA SAID: 

"THE WORLD IS ONE LARGE FAMILY 
THAT NEVER VISITS OR GIVES A DAMN.” 

I THEN GENTLY KISSED HER FOREHEAD 
AND HAD HER PUT AWAY.”

Tommy Savitt. 

Love, Jesus.

"THE TOMMY LAMA'S DAILY MANTRA:

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU BELIEVE, 

AS LONG AS YOU DO AS I SAY.”

Tommy Savitt.

Global Warming

"MANY ARE CONCERNED ABOUT RISING SEA LEVELS. 

INSTEAD, THEY SHOULD BE GRATEFUL 

THAT WE'LL FINALLY BE ABLE TO GET DECENT SEA FOOD IN NEBRASKA.”

Tommy Savitt.

Pillow Secks

"THE TOMMY LAMA'S MANTRA : 

WOMEN NEED TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR OWN ORGASMS. 

WHEN MEN DON'T ORGASM, 
THEY DON'T BLAME THE PILLOW.”

Tommy Savitt.

Sexy Tests

"IT IS SAFE TO WATCH ON-LINE PORN 

ON A STRANGER'S COMPUTER AS LONG AS 

IT DOESN'T HAVE ANY VIRUSES OR TELLS YOU IT WAS RECENTLY TESTED.”

Tommy Savitt.

Taxes

"TOMMY LAMA'S MANTRA: 

HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE IS A DISEASE CREATED BY THE GOVERNMENT. 

NOTICE HOW YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE GOES UP EVERY APRIL 15th."

Tommy Savitt.

Charles Ponzi

"THE TOMMY LAMA'S AFFIRMATION OF THE DAY : 

A PENNY SAVED IS NEVER AS GOOD AS A QUARTER STOLEN. 

CHARLES PONZI.”

Tommy Savitt.

America’s Next Top Model

"THE TOMMY LAMA'S MANTRA OF THE DAY: 

I'M SEXY. 

I'M DUMB. 

I'M READY FOR AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL. 

NAMASTE.”

Tommy Savitt.

Birds in the Tush

"THE TOMMY LAMA'S AFFIRMATION OF THE DAY: 

A BIRD IN THE HAND IS WORTH MORE THAN TWO IN THE TUSH. 

GEORGE MICHAEL”

Tommy Savitt.

Long Island Iced Tea

By Nancy Overton.

"THE TOMMY LAMA'S MANTRA OF THE DAY: 

WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU LEMONS, 

MAKE A LONG ISLAND ICED TEA.”

Tommy Savitt.

Never Cast a Stone

"THE TOMMY LAMA'S MANTRA OF THE DAY: 

YOU SHOULD NEVER CAST A STONE, 

UNLESS YOU RUN OUT OF BULLETS."

TOMMY SAVITT.

Married and Proud of It

"IN ORDER TO GET LAID ON THE FIRST DATE WEAR A WEDDING BAND. 

IT CONVEYS THE MESSAGE THAT IF YOUR SPOUSE CAN TRUST YOU, 

WHY SHOULDN'T YOU?”

Tommy Savitt.

Laundry Love

"MANY SINGLE MEN AND WOMEN GO TO LAUNDROMATS 

IN HOPES OF MAKING A LOVE CONNECTION. 

BUT THIS CONNECTION USUALLY TURNS OUT TO BE STATIC CLEAN.”

Tommy Savitt.

Violence

"THE TOMMY LAMA'S AFFIRMATION OF THE DAY: 

VIOLENCE IS A TOOL NOT A PASTIME!  

SADDAM HUSSEIN LECTURING HIS SON UDAY."

Tommy Savitt.

Sweet Cake

"THE TOMMY LAMA'S AFFIRMATION OF THE DAY: 

"LET THEM EAT CAKE!" - KIRSTIE ALLEY.”

Tommy Savitt.

Chores

By Tom Thomas.

"LASTING COUPLES ARE ABLE TO DIVVY UP CHORES EQUALLY. 

MY FAVORITE IS TELLING MY GIRLFRIEND, 

"THOSE DISHES AREN'T GOING TO WASH THEMSELVES!””

Tommy Savitt.

Christian Guilt

"TAOISTS BELIEVE HAPPINESS COMES FROM WITHIN. 

BUDDHISTS BELIEVE HAPPINESS COMES FROM WITHOUT. 

CATHOLICS BELIEVE HAPPINESS DOESN'T COME.”

Tommy Savitt.

Beer Belly

Click here to buy an instant beer belly or wine rack! :)

"THE TOMMY LAMA'S MANTRA OF THE DAY: 

SOME PEOPLE CALL IT A "BEER BELLY”. 

I CALL IT "PROSPERITY CONSCIOUSNESS”.”

Tommy Savitt.

Jersey Shore

“I don’t freakin’ eat lobster or anything like that cause they’re alive when you kill it.”
Snooki.

"THE PROBLEM WITH THE REALITY SHOW "JERSEY SHORE” 

IS THAT YOU HAVE A WHOLE SEASON WITH ONLY ONE PERSON GETTING PUNCHED IN THE FACE. 

NAMASTE."

Tommy Savitt.

Benefits of Homeschooling

"TOMMY LAMA'S MANTRA: 

HOMESCHOOLED KIDS ARE MORE TOLERANT 

BECAUSE THEY GO 18 YEARS WITHOUT BEING BEATEN UP BY SOMEONE OF A DIFFERENT RACE.”

Tommy Savitt.

Sexy Golf

"THE TOMMY LAMA'S MANTRA OF THE DAY: 

IF GOD WANTED OLD MEN TO HAVE SEX; 
HE WOULD NOT HAVE INVENTED GOLF.”

Tommy Savitt.

Seduction and Exams

"PASSING AN EXAM REQUIRES SOMETHING YOU CAN'T COUNT ON, LIKE YOUR BRAIN. 

SLEEP WITH THE STUDENT AID. 

A SMALL PRICE TO PAY FOR EXCELLENCE."

Tommy Savitt.

Radiation

"TOMMY LAMA'S MANTRA : 

YOU SHOULD NEVER PLACE YOUR CELL PHONE NEAR YOUR HEAD. 

YOU WANT IT NEAR YOUR CROTCH. 

IT'S LIKE A FREE VASECTOMY.”

Tommy Savitt.

Hybrid Vegans

"THE BENEFIT OF OWNING A HYBRID 

IS THAT YOU GET TO USE THE CAR POOL LANE BECAUSE THOSE CARS ARE NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO CARRY 3 VEGANS.”

Tommy Savitt.

Kato

"THE TOMMY LAMA'S MANTRA OF THE DAY: 

EMPLOYMENT IS OVERRATED. IF KATO KAELIN HAD A JOB, YOU WOULD OF NEVER HAVE HEARD OF HIM.”

Tommy Savitt.

Little League and Human Growth Hormones

"TOMMY LAMA'S MANTRA OF THE DAY: 

LITTLE LEAGUE. 

AMAZING HOW FAST THEY GROW UP WHEN YOU ADMINISTER HGH.”

Tommy Savitt.

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

"THE TOMMY LAMA'S AFFIRMATION OF THE DAY: 

MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE WALL, WHO IS THE FAIREST OF THEM ALL? 

- JUDGE JUDY.”

Tommy Savitt.

Moving Violation

"TOMMY LAMA'S MANTRA:

NEXT TIME YOU'RE STUCK ON LINE AT THE DMV, HAVE SEX. 

GIVE THEM A REAL REASON TO ISSUE YOU A MOVING VIOLATION.”

TOMMY SAVITT.

One, Two, Three...

By Raimundo de Madrazo y Garreta

"SEDUCTION IS EMBRACING YOUR PARTNER'S GUILT. 

LOOSEN LEG OF COUCH,AND AS YOUR DATE SITS,THE COUCH COLLAPSES. 

NOW, YOUR DATE OWES YOU.”

Tommy Savitt.

VDs

“Tommy Lama’s Mantra : 

It doesn’t matter if someone has vd as long as they’re hot.

If a doctor asks you, “Was it worth it?,” 

show him the video.”

Tommy Savitt.

Believe

"THE TOMMY LAMA'S MANTRA OF THE DAY: 

IT'S IMPORTANT TO BELIEVE IN YOURSELF EVEN IF ALL THE EVIDENCE POINTS TO THE CONTRARY.”

Tommy Savitt.

Allergies

"TOMMY LAMA'S MANTRA : 

A BOWLING BOWL AND A FEATHER ARE DROPPED OFF A ROOF , WHICH WILL KILL YOU FIRST? 

THE FEATHER. 

YOU MAY BE ALLERGIC.”

Tommy Savitt.

X-Box

“The Tommy Lama’s Mantra of the Day:

When life expectancy was at 30, perhaps a lot less xbox was being played.”

Tommy Savitt.

Prison Love

"THE TOMMY LAMA'S MANTRA OF THE DAY: 

PRISON LOVE.

IT'S NOT GAY. 

IT'S JUST MEN TRYING TO FIGURE OUT THEIR PLACE IN THE PECKING ORDER.”

Tommy Savitt.

Sharia Law

"The best part of dating a woman under Sharia Law is that she'll never give you any guff. 

Why? 

BECAUSE, I SAID SO!”

Tommy Savitt.

Rome

"The Tommy Lama’s mantra of the day:

When in Rome, do as the Romanians do.

Namaste."

Tommy Savitt.

Illuminati

"THE TOMMY LAMA'S MANTRA OF THE DAY: 

THE UNIVERSAL GLUE THAT HOLDS ALL CONSPIRACY THEORISTS TOGETHER...

"THOSE JEWS ARE BEHIND IT.”"

Tommy Savitt.

Naval Parade

"THE TOMMY LAMA'S MANTRA OF THE DAY: 

IN ORDER TO DRAW MORE GAYS INTO THE MILITARY, TELL THEM THERE'S A PARADE THEY CAN MARCH IN EVERYDAY.”

Tommy Savitt.

Dr. Pepper

“The Tommy Lama’s Mantra of the day: 

Dr. Pepper is healthier than water. 

Would a doctor put his name on a beverage if it wasn’t good for you?”

Tommy Savitt.

TSA Theft Advice

“The Tommy Lama’s mantra of the day: 

The only thing the TSA should steal from your
 luggage is a diploma.”

Tommy Savitt.

Tantra Mantra

The Tommy Lama’s Mantra of the Day: 

Tantric massage. 

The only sensual body rub without the guilt or the arrest. 

Namaste.” 

Tommy Savitt.

Meter Maids

"METER MAIDS... 

THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE PEOPLE WITH NOTHING BETTER TO DO.”

Tommy Savitt.

Separating Laundry

"Laundry can be very difficult. 

You always have to separate your colors from your whites. 

Why can’t they just all get along?” 

Tommy Savitt.

Blue Orchids

Orchid is latin for testicles. Blue, well, you translate that.

"Coming of age: That special moment in a young man’s life when he invites his girlfriend to live with him, and his mother.” 

Tommy Savitt.

Hangover Remedy

“Ancient household remedy for a hangover: 'Here, use my finger.' "

Tommy Savitt.

Dick and Jane

"THEY SEE DICK RUN. 

THEY SEE JANE RUN. 

PERHAPS IF THEY WOULD DO A LITTLE LESS READING AND A LITTLE MORE RUNNING, OUR CHILDREN WOULD NOT BE SO FAT.”

TOMMY SAVITT.

Bigamy

"Bigamy: The Poor Man's Polygamy." 

Tommy Savitt.

Ties

By Ann Gakere(Editor’s note: I love this drawing :) )

"A plea bargain is like a tie: 

a tie sucks. 

A tie is like watching a naked woman on national geographic;

yeah she's naked,
but she doesn't know it."
Tommy Savitt.

Suckcess

"The most successful tenants 

are the ones never discovered by the landlord." 

Tommy Savitt. 
"Until they are apostrophied out." 
Anonymous.

Housewives and Unattended Beverages

The following is an interview that Kat conducted with Tommy: 

Tommy Savitt's Expert Advice for Housewives:

Kat: Do you have any tips for keeping a housewife sane? 

Tommy:  Stop cleaning the house all the time. That's what slipcovers are for . Once you wear one of those, nothing gets dirty.

Kat: What is your idea of the perfect housewife?

Tommy: The neighbor's wife.

Kat: Do you view housewives as a sort of high-maintenance domesticated pet?

Tommy:  Yes. A housewife should be everything to her husband. And all you have to do is lie to him about how much you love anal sex.

Kat:What is one thing a housewife should never do?

Tommy: Don't put cucumbers on your eyes. It doesn't make you look younger. It just makes you look like an old salad.   

Kat: Who was/is your favorite (real or fictional) housewife of all time and why?

Tommy: Betty Rubble from The Flintstones, because she always made herself subservient to Barney until that no-good Wilma would interfere and corrupt her!

Tommy's Housekeeping Hints:

Kat: What is your favorite chore?

Tommy: Telling my girlfriend those dishes aren't going to wash themselves.

Kat: Do you like to cook, and if so, what is your favorite meal to make? 

Tommy: No man should ever cook for his woman because it sends the wrong message that he wants her to eat.

Kat: Do you have any secret family recipes to pass on to my blog? :) 

Tommy: One bowl of Captain Crunch, two glasses of milk, and a tablespoon of sugar makes Yum! This has been passed on to me from my ancestors.

Kat: Have you gone green yet and how have you implemented this into your daily housekeeping/living? 

Tommy: There's no such thing as global warming and that's why I hope the hole in the Ozone layer gets larger. Then finally we'll all be the same color. Burnt.

Tommy: Up Close and Personal:

Kat: What is your favorite beer/alcoholic beverage?

Tommy: The ones that are unattended.(Kat: nice one lol)

Kat: Do you still watch tv, or have you switched to Hulu and Netflix?

Tommy: Why waste time or money on any of that stuff when everything you ever wanted to see is on porno tube ? And it's free!

Kat: What kind of computer do you have?

Tommy: The one in the library.

Kat: What is your favorite book-color-animal?

Tommy:  My favorite books are those Vampire romances. Any woman willing to stay with a guy that lives off her blood won't mind if I stick her with the check. My favorite color is stripper glitter. It always has been since my mother's first take-your-son-to-work day. My favorite animal is a snake. Because when I'm in a pinch he can shed his skin and loan me a condom.

Kat: I see that you have begun a win a date contest; do I have a chance at winning this if it is actually a family meal at my place? ( cricket music) (Oh dear god, please in the name of Vishnu, may The Maestro enjoy a meal of goldfish and captain crunch at our house)

Kat: One more question: what is your best advice for an upcoming journalist/homemaker/business owner regarding becoming successful?   

Tommy: There's an old adage a wife should be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. I don't agree. I believe she should be a whore across the board. Because I'm not a picky eater and who cares if the house is dirty. So, stick with the homemaking stuff because that's all that matters.


Kat: Favorite song and religion: yes or no?  

Tommy: The other day I called out to God and you know who took my call? Vishnu. Even the Almighty  has outsourced. And I said "Vishnu, these women I'm dating aren't as into me as I am". And Vishnu said " Have you tried unplugging them and plugging them back in again?" And ever since then I have been a devout Hindu. And  Whale songs have to be my favorite form of music. I think it's important that whales  get their message out since they're  endangered and at the same time so delicious.

Kat: Oh and one more: what is your favorite home made meal?   

Tommy: My favorite meal is that Jewish fish.... the Goldfish.